I've been giving a lot of thought to life in general. What's the point of it? No, this isn't some silly, emo-kid rant and praise for suicide. It's a serious question.  We are born, we come here and do what society says is best and eventually we run out of steam and die.  Sometimes we're happy and other times we're sad, angry, angsty, baffled and any other emotion you can think of.  We strive for things that make sense here and now but somehow seem so very unimportant once we're gone.  Even in the bigger scheme of things - once the whole human race is gone.  Even the works of our so-called "Greats" like Poe and Yeats, the accomplishments of Brown V. the Board of Education and the evil-doings of Hitler...what does it all mean in the end?

Now, before jumping to conclusions here, yes I do believe in God.  I don't believe firmly in the teachings of any particular "establishment of Religion" such as Catholicism or Islam. Rather, I believe that all Religions are potentially right and wrong in different lights. (That's putting it kind of misleadingly as there isn't necessarily a "right or wrong" Religion in my book.) Bottom line is, I believe God exists and there is the possibility for Heaven after death.  I don't, think that God would put us here on Earth just to play some silly game until our bodies wear down and we die.  The idea of living without a purpose is distressing.  Are we just here to learn some greater truth about this world just so we pass on to something different? Is existence just a video game where we go from one level to the next in an infinite tower? That's kind of a distressing thought. What if Earth is merely a level we have to beat - we learn things, we...just are, and then we aren't. Some sort of switch that summons you to the next level. Heaven. What if there is another sort of striving there? A world to "beat" in order to get to the next, and the next.  That kind of rules out rebirth and a few other sorts of afterlife.

Oh well. I don't want to think about life anymore.  I feel so depressed lately, un-wanted and un-needed.  I know my family loves me, and I know I have friends that care about me but I'm so fucking insecure that I can't let myself just believe what they're saying and take it for what it is. I have to question it and convince myself that they're lying because they want something.  I think that's part of why I push men away so much. I hate myself so much I can't possibly let myself believe that any man could find me the least bit attractive. I turn what they say around and tell myself that they just want a quick and easy fuck, or that it's...how they get their kicks - telling fat, ugly girls that they're attractive just to see how very far they can get them to fall.  Who cares? I'm a worthless piece of shit anyway.

Yeah, I know that was an emo remark there. Good. Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy. G'night.  

Over the past few years I have been under the illusion that giving a man my virginity on our wedding night would be a wonderful gift that he would respect and cherish. I was chatting with a good friend about this very topic tonight, however, and it seems that my childish fantasies of love and purity are no more than that – fantasies. My friend (who just happens to be male) said that it seemed a “chore” to him to have to relieve a girl of her virginity. When I first proposed the idea of virginity as a gift, he promptly said: “what if he doesn’t want it?” Needless to say, my years of disillusionment came crashing down around me. It seemed unfathomable to me that any man would pass up taking a girl’s virginity, but then I reminded myself in the face of these circumstances that I had probably only subscribed to the social stereotype that guys were always ready and willing to “pop a virgin’s cherry.” I suggested this to my friend after a moment and he disagreed again. Most guys, he said, were very willing to take virginity but on the basis that it gave them something to be proud of, something to “brag” about with their friends. Again, I was shocked. Leaving that alone for a moment, I asked him to explain what he meant by a chore, and he listed these problems:

A)She doesn’t know what to do.
B)She’s scared
C)I will have to hurt her, which is not something I want to do, unless she actually enjoys it
D)I will have to be gingerly, careful sympathetic, patient --- and sometimes I’m all those things. But sometimes, you just want to bear down and get busy.

I’ll freely admit that this list made me angry. Of course she doesn’t know what to do – she’s a virgin. That means that she probably hasn’t done anything of a sexual nature, and if she has it’s doubtful that she’s gone all the way – which means she isn’t necessarily lacking in skills. Second, of course she’s scared! I can’t imagine coming to that moment without feeling a little bit of fear at the unknown. The third “problem” was actually kind of sweet. The fact that he worried was nice enough but then he ruined it with the next one. It’s one night. Your new wife will not be a virgin for the rest of her life so you will have the rest of your marriage to “bear down and get busy.” But does it really hurt to take one instance of intercourse to ease her into it, to be gingerly, careful, patient and sympathetic?

Another thing my friend said that really disturbed me was that it wasn’t a big deal. In the big scheme of things, I suppose losing your virginity isn’t a huge thing. You still eat the same, walk the same, talk the same afterwards. But you feel different. I don’t know personally but I can’t imagine feeling like the exact same person after having had sex for the first time. Your thought processes would change, even if it was slight. To some people, their virginity means a lot to them. It is their purity, and as it is with me, a gift to give to the person I fall in love with and marry.

I guess this is a really roundabout way of asking – what do you guys think? Am I just being way overly sensitive? How many guys really think that it’s a chore and a bragging right to take a girl’s virginity? I had always hoped it was more special than that. People talk up their first times so much, it seems like a let down to have to face this gritty version of the reality.

Legs of Bread